I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
