oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
