I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
50% drunk capacity currently
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
