Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(940): View more from Texas

He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...

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(+61): View more from Australia

He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that

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(623): View more from Arizona

It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog

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(818): View more from California

That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.

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