never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
