there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
