i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
