Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
