I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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