Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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