Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
