In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
