just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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