I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
