I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How external is "for external use only"?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
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