btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
