everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My feet surprised me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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