I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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