drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
