It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
