I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
