I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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