I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
