fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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