I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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