Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
