i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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