Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
