Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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