I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
