The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
