She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
