I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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