Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
