Can i not drive my cunt home
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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