dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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