First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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