your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
