I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
