Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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