Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
