my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
COCAINE IS GR8
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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