On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
