My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
