I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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