wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
