How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
