The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
