how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
