I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
