Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
