Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
