I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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