I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
